As a relationship author and blogger, I’ve learned that lasting love isn’t about finding the perfect person, but about two imperfect people committed to growing together. In this post, I’ll share my personal journey and the lessons I’ve learned about what it takes to build an unbreakable bond.
My Imperfect Love Story
Meeting My Match
When I met my husband, David, we were an unlikely pair on paper:
- Me: Extroverted writer and dreamer
- Him: Introverted software engineer
But we connected over shared passions and a deep mutual understanding. He saw and loved the real me, quirks and all.
Weathering Storms Together
Like any couple, we’ve faced plenty of challenges over the years:
- Career struggles
- Moves and life transitions
- Family crises
- Personal mental health issues
I remember one particularly tough season early in our marriage…
I distinctly remember one particularly rough patch early in our marriage. I had just gotten laid off from my job as a junior editor and was feeling lost and directionless. It was my first time being unemployed since college and my self-worth took a major hit. I felt like I was floundering while David was thriving in his software engineering career.
Around the same time, David was putting in long hours at his startup. He was passionate about his work and I was proud of him, but I craved more quality time together. I felt like we were ships passing in the night. The distance between us began to grow. Resentment festered as we failed to understand each other’s needs.
There were a lot of petty arguments during that season. I’d make passive-aggressive comments about David prioritizing work over our relationship. He’d get defensive and accuse me of not supporting his career. We’d give each other the silent treatment or slam doors after fights. It was a far cry from the collaborative partnership we had envisioned.
Looking back, I wouldn’t trade that messy season for anything. The challenges we faced together equipped us with the tools to build a resilient marriage. We know now that we can weather any storm as long as we’re willing to do the work. The trust we have today is a result of choosing each other again and again, even in the hardest moments.
What got us through? Choosing to face adversity together. Listening, empathizing, apologizing, forgiving. Being willing to confront hard truths and grow through the struggles.
Lessons from My Own Relationships
The Post-College Dating Years
After graduating from college, I spent a few years in an on-again-off-again relationship with my high school sweetheart, Alex. We loved each other, but we were also young and still figuring ourselves out.
I learned some hard lessons during that time about the importance of individual growth. Alex and I kept breaking up and getting back together, thinking things would be different, but we weren’t doing the personal work. We finally split for good when I realized I needed to focus on my own development before I could be a good partner.
The Career-Driven 20s
In my mid-20s, I dated a fellow journalist named Chris. We bonded over our shared ambition and had an intensely passionate relationship. However, we were also fiercely competitive with one another. When Chris got a big promotion, I was eaten up with jealousy rather than celebrating his success.
That relationship taught me the importance of being secure in myself. True love means championing each other’s wins, not competing. When insecurity creeps in, it erodes the relationship. I had to confront my own issues around career and self-worth.
People I’ve Helped Through My Work
Sarah and Mark
Early on in my writing career, a friend named Sarah reached out to me for advice. She and her husband Mark kept having the same argument over and over about finances. They loved each other deeply, but resentment was building on both sides.
I shared some communication techniques with Sarah to help her and Mark break their argument cycle:
- Take turns listening fully without interrupting (set a timer if needed).
- Mirror back what you heard to confirm your understanding.
- Validate each other’s experiences and perspectives.
- Work together to brainstorm solutions.
Sarah wrote me months later to say that learning to really hear each other had transformed their conflict. They were working as a team again.
Jenna: Finding Her Own Self
Last year, a young woman named Jenna reached out in a panic. Her boyfriend of three years had proposed, but she had hesitations. She loved him but worried that getting married meant giving up on her dream to travel the world.
Jenna and I talked through some key questions:
- Have you shared your dreams and timeline openly with your partner?
- Is he supportive of your personal goals?
- Are you willing to make some compromises to weave your dreams together?
I encouraged Jenna to have an honest conversation with her boyfriend about her travel goals. Together, they made a plan for how they could take some extended trips abroad before having kids. They set a wedding date two years out to give Jenna time. Last I heard, she’s happily exploring Southeast Asia while her fiancé holds down the home front.
The Secrets to Lasting Love
- Embrace Imperfections
No one is flawless and that’s okay! True love is about seeing your partner wholly, flaws and all and loving the entire imperfect package.
- Choose Each Other Daily
A true relationship is a daily choice, not a one-time decision. It’s showing up again and again, even when you’re frustrated or hurt. Make the continuous tiny choices to listen, extend grace and keep opening your heart.
- Grow Together
A true relationship isn’t about finding someone who is already perfectly compatible. It’s about committing to grow together, supporting each other’s evolution while maintaining your own identity. Some growth areas to focus on as a couple:
| Area of Growth | Key Practices |
| Communication | Active listening, expressing needs clearly, fighting fairly |
| Emotional intimacy | Vulnerability, empathy, quality time, physical affection |
| Shared goals | Supporting each other’s dreams, making joint plans, compromising |
| Self-development | Maintaining your identity, friendships and hobbies, working on personal growth |
- Find an Uplifting Partner
While true relationships take work, a good partner should ultimately bring out your best. If you find yourself constantly drained, belittled or compromising your wellbeing, it’s not healthy. Seek someone who challenges you in a loving way.
Debunking Relationship Myths
In a social media world, it’s easy to fall for unrealistic ideals of love.
Common myths:
- Myth: Perfect couples never fight
- Truth: Even happy couples argue! What matters is fighting fair and repairing
- Myth: Your partner should fulfill all your needs
- Truth: No one person can be your everything. Maintain your own identity and support system.
- Myth: Love should be a nonstop rom-com
- Truth: Real love is a mix of romantic moments and mundane daily life. Making it work long-term is about commitment through life’s ups and downs.
Conclusion
My journey with David has taught me that love isn’t picture-perfect. It’s two flawed humans choosing to build something real together. Sustainable love takes work, but it’s infinitely worthwhile.
To my fellow imperfect lovers: don’t give up hope. Focus less on finding flawless compatibility and more on growing alongside an equally committed, if messy, partner. Be willing to show up authentically, learn and refuse to walk away. That’s the real stuff happily ever afters are made of.